On the path through life, there are sections that are full of beauty and opportunity, and others that seem to hold one disappointment after another. I am currently facing the latter. And to be honest, I hate it. The non-stop … Continue reading
The life I have now is not what I’d imagined for myself. I don’t use my college education or my job skills very often. I am not as independent as I’d like, and my world feels small much of the time. It’s tough to grapple with all of the ways my life has changed since becoming ill, and I certainly don’t have this “chronic illness” thing figured out. My time is taken up by doctor’s visits, physical therapy appointments and calls to the insurance company. And I will be the first to admit that none of this was on my bucket list.
Yes, my life is hard; yours probably is too. But my life is also full of goodness that I wouldn’t have found on my own. Sometimes life takes us to places we’d never choose. It can take a while to accept that things are going differently than we’d hoped, and that’s okay. Life isn’t a fairy tale, and no matter how hard we try, we can’t control everything in our lives. If you need to cry, scream, or spend the day in bed to cope with the hard parts of your life, I think that’s fine. Allow yourself to feel the pain and grieve for the losses you’ve experienced. But once you’ve done that, please keep going. Don’t stay in that dark place for too long, because you have a life to live. You have a purpose, even when you have no idea what it is. I know it’s not easy, but believe me, even with the grey cloud of illness looming over me, I still have a good life. It’s not what I’d pictured for myself– it’s not even the life I wanted, but I am still so very grateful for it. I have a kind husband, sweet cats, caring friends, and loving family members. And my illness can’t take any of that away from me. Even on my worst days, I have joy and I know there is hope. It took me a long time to get to where I am, but it was worth all of the work.
If you’re going through a tough time right now, please know that you are not alone. Many of us do not have the lives we’d expected, and I don’t think anyone has it all together. We all have unanswered questions, deep frustrations, and regrets. But we don’t have to let those things define us. Instead, we can choose to see the beauty in our lives. We can choose to celebrate small victories and special moments. We can acknowledge that, even on our worst days, we are still worth loving.
I understand that choosing to look for the goodness in our lives does not take all of the pain away. I know that some things are unfair and unjust, and that bothers me. Still, I am a firm believer that celebrating the goodness in our lives can keep us from being overwhelmed by the difficulties we face. And I think we all need help keeping a balanced perspective, especially when life is hard.
Today I choose to keep going. I choose to look past my frustrations and find something to celebrate. And I hope you’ll do the same.
The dysautonomia community recently lost a seventeen-year-old young lady to suicide. Her illness overwhelmed her and she didn’t think she could keep fighting. If you find yourself feeling isolated, lonely, and depressed, please reach out to someone. You deserve joy. You deserve hope. And no matter what, you are worth loving.
Here’s a few resources if you need a place to start:
Lifeline suicide prevention: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Anxiety and Depression Association of America: http://treatment.adaa.org/
My illness has taught me to soak in beautiful moments and to be grateful that I have so much goodness in my life. The 2014 holiday season was one of my favorite so far. That may seem odd, since it’s my first holiday season with a chronic illness, but I assure you it’s the truth. I was fully present while celebrating with loved ones. I didn’t spend much time worrying about what I should do or how things could be better. Instead, I focused on the beauty to be found in my messy, imperfect life.
There is a peace that comes with letting go of the future I’d expected. I have to do a bit of “letting go” every day. During the holidays, I was reminded that it’s not easy to need a wheelchair to make it through a holiday display. But once I accepted my new reality, I could focus on having fun instead of being upset that I depend on my chair. There are dozens of moments like that each day for me as I learn to live a full life with an illness. And each of those moments present me with the choice to either think about how things could be or to be grateful for the goodness to be found in my new way of life.
(Touring the holiday show at a local conservatory with my mom)
I believe that it’s all about perspective. The way I approach life affects what I see. When I think about the time spent with my family as precious and important, it’s much more difficult to spend that time angry about the things I can’t do with them because of my illness. I’m too busy paying attention to someone’s funny story or hugging a loved one to think about what could be. I am present in the moment, even though there are new limitations for me. I refuse to spend unnecessary time focusing on my frustrations, because doing that causes me to miss out on the relationships around me.
I was able to make it through two different trips away from home over the holidays, which is great progress for me! Thanks to my mom and my husband, both of the trips went as well as I could hope. I am currently unable to drive, but I was still able to spend some great time with family. One of the brightest parts of my holiday season was the time I spent with my nephew. I got to cuddle with him, rock him to sleep, and play with him. It was delightful! S and I soaked up all the time we could get with the little guy.
(Spending time with our nephew was wonderful!)
I realize the excitement of the new year has just about worn off, but I’d like to encourage you to make a 2015 goal for yourself. As for me, I’ll be focusing on being present for the beautiful moments that make up my messy, imperfect life.
The last few weeks have been filled with nerve pain, rice packs, my heating pad, and cheesy TV shows. I went to my nurse practitioner yesterday and she started me on a steroid and a muscle relaxer to help with the pain. I haven’t had much energy to write, so for now, a short entry will have to do.
When I am in pain, I try to focus even more on the goodness in my life. If I don’t spend time doing that, things are much more difficult. So here’s my gratitude list for 2015 thus far:
- I am grateful for sunshine. Even on the coldest days, I can open my blinds and enjoy the beauty of bright days.
- I am grateful for rice packs and heating pads. I don’t want to consider how I’d feel without those things.
- I am grateful for decaf coffee. I can usually drink it, even if I’m a bit shaky. And it brings so much happiness to my day.
- I am grateful for essential oils, especially OnGuard and Oregano. I am convinced that I would have caught a yucky cold if I hadn’t been vigilant about using them during the holidays.
- I am grateful that I am home. Yes, I am in pain. And it’s no fun. But I am at home, with my husband, my cats, and heated blankets, not in a hospital. And I cannot take that for granted.
No matter what you’re dealing with today, please look for the little blessings in your life. I promise it will give you a fresh perspective!
Healing has been on my mind this week. I’ve taken steps to make progress in my POTS treatment, but I’ve been reflecting mostly on emotional healing. Chronic illness wears down my soul, so I make an effort to build myself up as often as I can. Healing is a process, and it looks different for everyone. I have a big need for compassionate, grace-filled relationships because they are where I find the most healing. When I am isolated and alone, I find it much more difficult to face the difficulties that come with emotional healing.
This quote by Buddhist author Pema Chodron best explains the type of relationships I find most helpful in my healing process. These words ring true each time I read them.
Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our darkness well can we be present in the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.
I am grateful for all kinds of things, but today I am most grateful for the compassionate people in my life who help me heal. You see, I don’t need to be judged or summed up by someone else. I don’t need unsolicited advice or anecdotal evidence about why I should change. I suspect that you don’t need those things either. In fact, I am confident that you need compassion from wounded healers just as much as I do. We all need someone to come alongside us, someone who is willing to listen and relate.
My goal is to be a wounded healer– a person who acknowledges my own brokenness (past and present), who is willing to help other people along the way. For me, that means being a part of a community of women with chronic illness who are committed to encouraging one another. It means reaching out to people who are courageous enough to admit they need support as they face mental health issues. Most importantly, it means that I relate to the hurt and struggle of people around me. I try my best to respectfully help them in whatever way they need, and I don’t spend my time judging them. Being a wounded healer doesn’t mean that I don’t have boundaries, but it does mean that I focus more on kindness than I do on judgement.
So here’s a short list of the compassionate acts I’ve seen around me this week. They’ve encouraged me to keep working toward my own healing.
- Lottie Ryan’s festive style challenge brightened up my week. Dozens of chronically ill women from all over the globe took part in the 7 day event. We read uplifting posts that were related to each “style of the day”. The picture above is from first day, “Banish the Blues.” I wore my favorite blue earrings and a blue striped top. I also took time to be close to my cats in order to lift my mood. Throughout the week, I enjoyed feeling put-together even though I didn’t leave the house much. It boosted my confidence to wear “real clothes” every day.
- S and I see a lot of poverty in our community and we do our best to come alongside our neighbors. There is a lot of hardship here and change comes very slowly. This week, we got some much-needed good news! It was officially announced that grant money has been secured to demolish 140 structures in our town. After demolition, the property ownership will be transferred to non-profit community organizations. This process will make our town safer and even more beautiful! Plus, local non-profits will be able to take care of the properties and use them to help our community. S and I are excited about this, especially since one of the homes is less than a block away from us.
- Ashlie has reached out to me time and time again to walk with me through my healing process. She openly shares her experiences with dysautonomia in an effort to help me live a fuller, healthier life. She’s found a way to help other people with chronic illness, and I truly respect her for that. I received my Physician’s Kit and Wholesale membership last Saturday, and I am grateful for her willingness to share her journey with me. I have seen some great results by using my oils this week 🙂 Using the OnGuard essential oil has helped me fight off flu germs, which is a big deal for me these days!
I hope that we can all take time this week to consider how we can be wounded healers to the people in or lives.
I have a form of dysautonomia called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). I’ve benefited greatly from medication and physical therapy, but I am always looking for more ways to help myself manage my illness. I first met Ashlie through her blog when I won a contest. I received a 5mL bottle of Wild Orange essential oil and Ashlie sent me a few other samples for managing POTS symptoms. Ashlie also has dysautonomia and she’s spent time learning which oils help her most. Thanks to her, I found oils to help with my abdominal pain, nerve pain, and anxiety. You can read more about how I use essential oils here. Or you can comment with questions for me. I’d be happy to share what I’ve learned with you.
On December 16, Ashlie is leading a webinar about managing dysautomia symptoms. I’ll be attending, and I want to share the opportunity! I encourage you to consider learning from Ashlie. She has a heart of gold, and she truly wants to help people live healthier lives. Click the link below to read more about the webinar.
To learn more about doTerra essential oils, click here or attend the webinar on December 16!