The life I have now is not what I’d imagined for myself. I don’t use my college education or my job skills very often. I am not as independent as I’d like, and my world feels small much of the time. It’s tough to grapple with all of the ways my life has changed since becoming ill, and I certainly don’t have this “chronic illness” thing figured out. My time is taken up by doctor’s visits, physical therapy appointments and calls to the insurance company. And I will be the first to admit that none of this was on my bucket list.
Yes, my life is hard; yours probably is too. But my life is also full of goodness that I wouldn’t have found on my own. Sometimes life takes us to places we’d never choose. It can take a while to accept that things are going differently than we’d hoped, and that’s okay. Life isn’t a fairy tale, and no matter how hard we try, we can’t control everything in our lives. If you need to cry, scream, or spend the day in bed to cope with the hard parts of your life, I think that’s fine. Allow yourself to feel the pain and grieve for the losses you’ve experienced. But once you’ve done that, please keep going. Don’t stay in that dark place for too long, because you have a life to live. You have a purpose, even when you have no idea what it is. I know it’s not easy, but believe me, even with the grey cloud of illness looming over me, I still have a good life. It’s not what I’d pictured for myself– it’s not even the life I wanted, but I am still so very grateful for it. I have a kind husband, sweet cats, caring friends, and loving family members. And my illness can’t take any of that away from me. Even on my worst days, I have joy and I know there is hope. It took me a long time to get to where I am, but it was worth all of the work.
If you’re going through a tough time right now, please know that you are not alone. Many of us do not have the lives we’d expected, and I don’t think anyone has it all together. We all have unanswered questions, deep frustrations, and regrets. But we don’t have to let those things define us. Instead, we can choose to see the beauty in our lives. We can choose to celebrate small victories and special moments. We can acknowledge that, even on our worst days, we are still worth loving.
I understand that choosing to look for the goodness in our lives does not take all of the pain away. I know that some things are unfair and unjust, and that bothers me. Still, I am a firm believer that celebrating the goodness in our lives can keep us from being overwhelmed by the difficulties we face. And I think we all need help keeping a balanced perspective, especially when life is hard.
Today I choose to keep going. I choose to look past my frustrations and find something to celebrate. And I hope you’ll do the same.
The dysautonomia community recently lost a seventeen-year-old young lady to suicide. Her illness overwhelmed her and she didn’t think she could keep fighting. If you find yourself feeling isolated, lonely, and depressed, please reach out to someone. You deserve joy. You deserve hope. And no matter what, you are worth loving.
Here’s a few resources if you need a place to start:
Lifeline suicide prevention: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Anxiety and Depression Association of America: http://treatment.adaa.org/