This week has been one of the hardest for me in quite some time. My mind has been swirling with negative thoughts and I’ve fought hard against them. I’ve practiced gratitude. I’ve kept my head buried in words of truth written by strong women. I’ve practiced prayer, meditation, and silence. All of those little things have helped me remain brave, despite my mind telling me otherwise.
Some days are just tough. I can’t sugar-coat them or fix them to be better, they’re just hard. And I think it’s important to acknowledge that truth. I am very much in favor of being positive and optimistic, but I believe that we need to be honest about the fact that some things are just terrible. There isn’t always a bright side. But there is always Love.
Love whispers, “You will make it through today. You don’t have to have it all together, you just need to show up and keep trying. You matter.” Sometimes I can hear Love’s voice on my own, and that’s all I need to keep choosing hope. On hard days, I seek out someone I trust to remind me of the truth. It’s humbling to admit that my mind is muddled with unwelcome thoughts, but I have to ask for help because I can’t always find Love on my own. There are also times when Love comes to me, in the form of an unexpected letter or the presence of a dear friend. Love always comes. We just have to be open to seeing it.
The important thing is to never stop looking for Love to show up. I admit that sometimes it comes later than I would prefer, but it always comes. And that is beautiful. There are days that will not be remembered as easy or even joyful, and that’s OK. But we must keep going, because there is always, always hope. And Love will find us.
POTS symptoms are flaring up again, which has not been fun. I cancelled a physical therapy appointment this week because I realized that my body needs to rest in order to recoup from a fever and recurrent tachycardia (high heart rate). I am doing by best to be kind to myself and allow myself to “just be.”
I went to the rheumatologist today, and he has ordered a battery or blood work to be done. He’s not overly concerned, but he wants to continue to investigate my symptoms.